PlagueIf I may say soYou are not so goodDo not think you have any rightYou judge me without knowingStop for a secondLook backHurt, pleasepretty pretty pleaseIf I may say soYou may not berate meYou are no better than IPerhaps you are strongerWait for a momentThink about itCry, pleasepretty pretty pleaseIf I may say soYou've caused your share of painIn my defenceYou made me this wayHold on a whileFeel something realFear, pleasepretty pretty pleaseIf I may say soYou make me sickI don't want to care anymoreYou are not worth itI'm finished nowYou are a diseaseGo, pleasepretty pretty please
Original SinAnd then you looked at meOr was it you looking through me?I felt something stab a million daggers into my coreOr were those your hands?Wait for it because it will be betterYou are my appleWhat I wouldn't give to peel back your skinAnd taste what's underneathYou are so awkwardYou are not prettyYour body is just a bodyBut your smile is kindAnd that awkwardness is sexyI can't not look at youAnd you won't stop touching meI don't want you toYou are still my appleWhy this temptation?My test? Will there be more?You can trust I know it's wrong to pick itSo red and shinnyThe saliva pooling in the backs of my cheeksCome and find itIt's laughable reallyMy fascination with your eccentricityI believe you do it purposelyYou tempt and you teaseDon't tease meI might bite
A guide to tearsWhen that tear first appearsAnd you catch that glint in my eyeTo blink would start somethingAre you afraid yet?Slow motion, eyes closed, moisture in the cornerAre you still there?It's coming now, i feel it on my nose, on my cheekIf I open my eyes will you look at me?Run into my mouth salty tearDo you have something to say?What do you need from meI need these tearsAre you afraid yet?I'll tear down this wall for youPerhaps you don't want to see the other sideI'm afraid to open my eyesPush it down push it downYou stayed...why did you stay when even I wanted to leaveThey are flowing nowI won't hold backFor some reason it's safeYou don't smileOr try to make it betterThat's what I needYou can't make it betterBut you can stay
That June juen 24 01,12:30amI'm not sure why I haven't written since it happened. maybe I don't want to belive it. Mayve if I pretend it's not real then it won't be. Maybe I'm so used to living my life through lies that this one just seems like any other. I've so many emotions runiing through my head rigtht now that I don't know what's what. I'm so vulnerable right now, send me someone to love. men from my past come forward, that night was so intense, not quite sure what either of us were thinking, or if I was just thinking that anything to make me feel something right now would do.So much of who I was came back to me, but I want me ....me in the now, but a different now, a better now. I have no desire to continue, to move, to dance to live and I'm scared to leave here, but I have to go...I can't bare to stay.
That June june 20 01 11:23pmI guess we all cope in our own ways but why do I feel like i'm not at all. My father is dying. hasn't it sunk in yet? Will it ever. Will I ever get over it, will I ever go back to my life in toronto? wihave to move on, I know I do. It just seems like a dream right now, some twisted nightmare that I can't stop reliving. Maybe I'm actually crazy right now, I feel like it's never going to change. Why do shitty things happen, haven't I lost enough friends? Haven't you taken enough of my soul? I just want something to hold on to...something that says forever something to control.
That June june 17 01 8:15pmIt's so beautiful down here. Dad always loved sitting here watching the sun set, drinking coffee and having a few laughs. I don't think that there is a place he'd rather be, especially on a night like tonight. My sisters come tomorrow, i don't know weather i'm happy or not, them being here makes it real, means it's actually happening. I know I'm avoiding the obvious but things just seem to happen so fast. So fast that i odn't even realize what's going on. the fact that my father is dying. death, people say it makes you think and reflect. I say that it makes you avoid thinking-because thinking leads to understanding and accepting and this is something I still cannot accept. Will I ever? I keep waiting for him to crack a joke to me me know that theres hope. It's been so long now I know it's not going to happen. Who are these stupid people...they make me want to scream right now.It's not about them, it