A guide to tearsWhen that tear first appearsAnd you catch that glint in my eyeTo blink would start somethingAre you afraid yet?Slow motion, eyes closed, moisture in the cornerAre you still there?It's coming now, i feel it on my nose, on my cheekIf I open my eyes will you look at me?Run into my mouth salty tearDo you have something to say?What do you need from meI need these tearsAre you afraid yet?I'll tear down this wall for youPerhaps you don't want to see the other sideI'm afraid to open my eyesPush it down push it downYou stayed...why did you stay when even I wanted to leaveThey are flowing nowI won't hold backFor some reason it's safeYou don't smileOr try to make it betterThat's what I needYou can't make it betterBut you can stay
That June juen 24 01,12:30amI'm not sure why I haven't written since it happened. maybe I don't want to belive it. Mayve if I pretend it's not real then it won't be. Maybe I'm so used to living my life through lies that this one just seems like any other. I've so many emotions runiing through my head rigtht now that I don't know what's what. I'm so vulnerable right now, send me someone to love. men from my past come forward, that night was so intense, not quite sure what either of us were thinking, or if I was just thinking that anything to make me feel something right now would do.So much of who I was came back to me, but I want me ....me in the now, but a different now, a better now. I have no desire to continue, to move, to dance to live and I'm scared to leave here, but I have to go...I can't bare to stay.
That June june 20 01 11:23pmI guess we all cope in our own ways but why do I feel like i'm not at all. My father is dying. hasn't it sunk in yet? Will it ever. Will I ever get over it, will I ever go back to my life in toronto? wihave to move on, I know I do. It just seems like a dream right now, some twisted nightmare that I can't stop reliving. Maybe I'm actually crazy right now, I feel like it's never going to change. Why do shitty things happen, haven't I lost enough friends? Haven't you taken enough of my soul? I just want something to hold on to...something that says forever something to control.
That June june 17 01 8:15pmIt's so beautiful down here. Dad always loved sitting here watching the sun set, drinking coffee and having a few laughs. I don't think that there is a place he'd rather be, especially on a night like tonight. My sisters come tomorrow, i don't know weather i'm happy or not, them being here makes it real, means it's actually happening. I know I'm avoiding the obvious but things just seem to happen so fast. So fast that i odn't even realize what's going on. the fact that my father is dying. death, people say it makes you think and reflect. I say that it makes you avoid thinking-because thinking leads to understanding and accepting and this is something I still cannot accept. Will I ever? I keep waiting for him to crack a joke to me me know that theres hope. It's been so long now I know it's not going to happen. Who are these stupid people...they make me want to scream right now.It's not about them, it
That June june 16,01 11:51pmFor al lthe times when he made me so angry. I long for those again. To have him rant and rave at me for not cleaning my room or leaving dirty dishes in the sink. For all the times he held me when I cried and told me that that guy wasn't worth it anyway. for all the times I him so proud and all the times I was so glad that he was my dad and nobody else. I always will be thankful for him and everything he's done for me and the person he has helped me become. He has been my inspiration for so much. My whole life. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me...I think he was. And right now at this very moment as he's lying on the other side of that door completely helpless all I want to do is get up and show him I am as strong as he is. but I'm not and I can only hope tha tsomeday I will be. How can I sleep? How can I rest knowing what I know? How come things have to change?Why is this family what it is? Maybe I should go to sleep,
That June june 14,01 12:34 amNow that i'm here it's like i've never been anywhere else. Like I never left. Perhaps this time away will help, but I feel so out of the loop. I worry I wont fit back in when I go back. It's silly I know but little things get to me. I havent' talked to him...a call from him is exactly what I need right now to get my reality back. Even when I close my eyes I can't imagine home, or what I now call home. I hate this town, for the person it makes me and the people that do it to me. If they only knew the real me...whoever that is. I think it's me away from here, free from all the gossip all the shit. It's kinda wierd not having Dad around. I know I should go see him more often but it hurts so bad to see him in there. Hopefully he'll be home in a couple days...but he'll still be sick and things just won't be the same. I wonder if they will ever be the same agian.