That June juen 24 01,12:30amI'm not sure why I haven't written since it happened. maybe I don't want to belive it. Mayve if I pretend it's not real then it won't be. Maybe I'm so used to living my life through lies that this one just seems like any other. I've so many emotions runiing through my head rigtht now that I don't know what's what. I'm so vulnerable right now, send me someone to love. men from my past come forward, that night was so intense, not quite sure what either of us were thinking, or if I was just thinking that anything to make me feel something right now would do.So much of who I was came back to me, but I want me ....me in the now, but a different now, a better now. I have no desire to continue, to move, to dance to live and I'm scared to leave here, but I have to go...I can't bare to stay.
That June june 20 01 11:23pmI guess we all cope in our own ways but why do I feel like i'm not at all. My father is dying. hasn't it sunk in yet? Will it ever. Will I ever get over it, will I ever go back to my life in toronto? wihave to move on, I know I do. It just seems like a dream right now, some twisted nightmare that I can't stop reliving. Maybe I'm actually crazy right now, I feel like it's never going to change. Why do shitty things happen, haven't I lost enough friends? Haven't you taken enough of my soul? I just want something to hold on to...something that says forever something to control.
That June june 17 01 8:15pmIt's so beautiful down here. Dad always loved sitting here watching the sun set, drinking coffee and having a few laughs. I don't think that there is a place he'd rather be, especially on a night like tonight. My sisters come tomorrow, i don't know weather i'm happy or not, them being here makes it real, means it's actually happening. I know I'm avoiding the obvious but things just seem to happen so fast. So fast that i odn't even realize what's going on. the fact that my father is dying. death, people say it makes you think and reflect. I say that it makes you avoid thinking-because thinking leads to understanding and accepting and this is something I still cannot accept. Will I ever? I keep waiting for him to crack a joke to me me know that theres hope. It's been so long now I know it's not going to happen. Who are these stupid people...they make me want to scream right now.It's not about them, it
That June june 16,01 11:51pmFor al lthe times when he made me so angry. I long for those again. To have him rant and rave at me for not cleaning my room or leaving dirty dishes in the sink. For all the times he held me when I cried and told me that that guy wasn't worth it anyway. for all the times I him so proud and all the times I was so glad that he was my dad and nobody else. I always will be thankful for him and everything he's done for me and the person he has helped me become. He has been my inspiration for so much. My whole life. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me...I think he was. And right now at this very moment as he's lying on the other side of that door completely helpless all I want to do is get up and show him I am as strong as he is. but I'm not and I can only hope tha tsomeday I will be. How can I sleep? How can I rest knowing what I know? How come things have to change?Why is this family what it is? Maybe I should go to sleep,
That June june 14,01 12:34 amNow that i'm here it's like i've never been anywhere else. Like I never left. Perhaps this time away will help, but I feel so out of the loop. I worry I wont fit back in when I go back. It's silly I know but little things get to me. I havent' talked to him...a call from him is exactly what I need right now to get my reality back. Even when I close my eyes I can't imagine home, or what I now call home. I hate this town, for the person it makes me and the people that do it to me. If they only knew the real me...whoever that is. I think it's me away from here, free from all the gossip all the shit. It's kinda wierd not having Dad around. I know I should go see him more often but it hurts so bad to see him in there. Hopefully he'll be home in a couple days...but he'll still be sick and things just won't be the same. I wonder if they will ever be the same agian.
That June june 10 01 12:45 amIt's funny how 16 I feel being back here in this house, in this room. Seen old people, brings memories back. Seeing my past, it comforts me. So much of the present doesn't seem real. All my friends feel so far away from me, ooing back seems odd now that I"m here. I feel like my life never happened. I miss him, I keep wanting to pick up the phone and call him but something is stopping me. Fear perhaps. I'm missing him but with the past coming back it's hard, especially with dad. It's funny being back and the turn your mind takes. Two different worlds. I have to laugh or I'll cry.
That June june 9,2001 12:24amNow that I'm here it's almost as if toronto doesn't even exist. That life I live is all just a dream. something concocted in my head. it's like this life in Port is my life, end of story. I know that that's not true, that there's more to me. I need to talk to one of them, anyone just to bring me back to earth and out of this confusion. I need a reality. Can I make myself one or do I need to be told? What am I running from, or to? God I wish I knew what direction I was going in. I'm soscared right now, I feel so alone....Dad. Oh please take care of him, make him better. I don't know what i'd do without him. Don't take the man I love most away from me, I can't do it without him. Grant me this one wish, let him walk me down the isle, I've never wanted a wedding until now...funny how that is, but i'm changing. He is my support and inspiration. He needs me and I need him.
That June june 6,2001 3:30pmFerry time. Queaziness still sits in the pit of my tummy. My head is killing me, my body is breaking down. anxious now. The boat seems slower than usual and time ticks on. Waiting, travelling, anticipating all over again. It's beautiful though. I wish you were here with me..."you love me, you just don't know it yet" Those words make the mountains shine as the scean seems so calm. You would love it here. Gulls frlying oever open waters, amazing, even clouds have never seemed so beautiful. They touch the tips of the mountains so gently, surene and so surreal. It's like I enver left. It's like you just an idea in my head. this place changes me I guesss, or that place changed me. Or maybe it was just my own self. Self indulgence perhaps. I try to remain calm, curious of what you're doing right now. Have you thought of me otday? will you think of me often or ever while I'm goen.
That June june 6, 2001 10:15amSo here I am sitting at departure gate 80 and I can't seem to get rid of that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure if it's coming or going that's making me feel this way...maybe it's a bit of both. Why am I listening to this CD? why aren't I crying? I want to cry real tears again. I haven't in so long. I feel as if tears are in order and that they would make it all better right now. My minds is running away with ideas of perfection and dissapointment. communicaltion, reciprocation, conssumation. What am I missing? Was I, am I all talk? WAs it everyone else that produced these feelings? We spoke of outside envolvement and how intense it got and why, why could we have spoken earlier? Im leaving just as everything gets perfect, or as close to perfect as perhaps things will ever be. there was something about monday night. Something about the look in his eyes. Something about the way he hugged me t