tooclosetoyou

Behind my eyes I keep you Only for me, always No boasts, no agony sweet sweet A child Soul so pure and wanting You play so well We are how it should be, still I want it craving grasping A fantasy so intense so good You and the back of my neck strong hands for A child lips softer, reaching, moisten sweet sweet touch you, touching you I want to show you God I could teach you make you feel more more more hairs on my arms tingle yours wrap around me I can't sweet boy I would you would feel feel more

You fall into it one day And then you fall in love with it At once it becomes your dream Soon it's your life One day it starts to consume you Before you know it , it overtakes you Suddenly it's all you know So quickly it's all you want And it starts to hurt you And it begins to break you Suddenly you start to resent it Before you know it, you start to hate it One day it fades right out It's what you fell it love with It's what you thought you chose You try your hardest to fight it You fall in love with it all over You can't help it It chose you

That nervous excited feeling is beginning to kick in once again.  Why does that always happen? As much as you know you need to do something and that you will feel so much better for it, it's still so hard to go. I know he'll be here when I get back, he has to be. I'll be starting from scratch and I need him to be by my side. I wish he could always be there, holding my hand. Even just once, just to see how it feels to be touched by him. Why didn't I tell him the truth when I had the chance. Now I have  to pretend again...I'm so tired of pretending.

Six hours till my cab gets here. Why si he all I can think about? Danny michel isn't helping right now...Elgin Ave, he sang it to me that night. God why does this boy do this to me. Are the next 3 weeks going to be like this cause I can't do it if they are. Scared, melt, bones, fake, words always between him and I. An old fashioned to be man. He's tried so hard and I love him for it. Will he miss me? I hope so. He cares about me and taht feels so good. I can't believe how much that song melt is so me and him. The whole part about not moving for 2 cd's...and hig guitar etc.  I'm consumed and there is so much more I want to explore. Who can I g

So here I am sitting at departure gate 80 and I can't seem to get rid of that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure if it's coming or going that's making me feel this way...maybe it's a bit of both.  Why am I listening to this CD? why aren't I crying?  I want to cry real tears again. I haven't in so long. I feel as if tears are in order and that they would make it all better right now.  My minds is running away with ideas of perfection and dissapointment.  communicaltion, reciprocation, conssumation. What am I missing? Was I, am I all talk? WAs it everyone else that produced these feelings?  We spoke of outside envolvement and

Ferry time.  Queaziness still sits in the pit of my tummy. My head is killing me, my body is breaking down.  anxious now. The boat seems slower than usual and time ticks on. Waiting, travelling, anticipating all over again.  It's beautiful though.  I wish you were here with me..."you love me, you just don't know it yet" Those words make the mountains shine as the scean seems so calm.  You would love it here.  Gulls frlying oever open waters, amazing, even clouds have never seemed so beautiful. They touch the tips of the mountains so gently, surene and so surreal.  It's like I enver left. It's like you just an idea in my head. this place chang

Now that I'm here it's almost as if toronto doesn't even exist. That life I live is all just a dream. something concocted in my head.  it's like this life in Port is my life, end of story.  I know that that's not true, that there's more to me.  I need to talk to one of them, anyone just to bring me back to earth and out of this confusion.  I need a reality.  Can I make myself one or do I need to be told? What am I running from, or to? God I wish I knew what direction I was going in.  I'm soscared right now, I feel so alone....Dad.  Oh please take care of him, make him better.  I don't know what i'd do without him.  Don't take the man I love m

It's funny how 16 I feel being back here in this house, in this room.  Seen old people, brings memories back.  Seeing my past, it comforts me. So much of the present doesn't seem real. All my friends feel so far away from me, ooing back seems odd now that I"m here.  I feel like my life never happened. I miss him, I keep wanting to pick up the phone and call him but something is stopping me. Fear perhaps.  I'm missing him but with the past coming back it's hard, especially with dad. It's funny being back and the turn your mind takes.  Two different worlds. I have to laugh or I'll cry.

Now that i'm here it's like i've never been anywhere else.  Like I never left.  Perhaps this time away will help, but I feel so out of the loop.  I worry I wont fit back in when I go back.  It's silly I know but little things get to me.  I havent' talked to him...a call from him is exactly what I need right now to get my reality back.  Even when I close my eyes I can't imagine home, or what I now call home.  I hate this town, for the person it makes me and the people that do it to me.  If they only knew the real me...whoever that is.  I think it's me away from here, free from all the gossip all the shit. It's kinda wierd not having Dad around

For al lthe times when he made me so angry.  I long for those again. To have him rant and rave at me for not cleaning my room or leaving dirty dishes in the sink.  For all the times he held me when I cried and told me that  that guy wasn't worth it anyway. for all the times I him so proud and all the times I was so glad that he was my dad and nobody else. I always will be thankful for him and everything he's done for me and the person he has helped me become.  He has been my inspiration for so much. My whole life. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me...I think he was.  And right now at this very moment as he's lying on the other si